Hi. So it’s been awhile. I’ve been having a hard time interacting with communication devices. Low on the priority list. I need to teach Grant how to do this just for the time when maybe I can’t.
I am continuing to try to find the balance between TPN management, pain management using cannabis and/or opioids, and working on complementary/alternative treatments.
I received my PEMF machine and have started running frequency sets. That feels positive and definitely outside the conventional box.
Grant and I are implementing various parts of Cellect-Budwig but probably not the whole of it.
I still am having the small bowel obstruction so that hasn’t changed. But we are doing various kinds of enemas daily, both for clean out and detox, but also for administering nutrients as the colon is very absorptive, although we haven’t come up with numbers regarding just how absorptive.
My gyn-onc is only willing to support TPN (IV nutrition) for me for another two weeks or so if I’m not seeking treatment with him, and I thought I had already discussed with my PCP that she could take it over, but she wrote this morning that she can’t. So I’m on the search for another provider who will manage that indefinitely. Otherwise it’s a pretty quick slide into dehydration and starvation.
Which brings me to my next thought. It’s possible my time really is limited. I’ve been trying to work this since the beginning to be a Radical Remission survivor and that could still happen. And I have ovarian cancer stage 3C which has spread to peritoneal carcinomatosis which my gyn-onc team doesn’t think they can do anything further about. So if I’m going to survive this it will have to be through non-conventional means. I didn’t know what peritoneal carcinomatosis was before the conversation with Dr. West today. The CT scan impression said it way back in April, but I didn’t understand. It is basically that the cancer, either GI or GYN, has spread into the lining of the abdomen, the peritoneum. I knew that was part of the story, it just seems that it has spread further than I had understood.
So, I’m aware of how much a house of cards my body is right now. The least little thing that gets out of whack could cause it all to come tumbling down right now. Or a dominos track, that the first little thing to tip over will send it all tipping. It could have been my potassium levels getting off and causing heart problems, or one of the blood clots in my arm letting loose and causing a heart attack or stroke. It could be my general weakness making me more susceptible to infection of all sorts, including that bastard, COVID-19. Or even a fall due to general weakness could be enough to take me out at this point.
I have had two pain crises this week, partly due to over-doing, and under-medicating, but also just due to the fact I still have a bowel obstruction, I’m still not eating normally, my survival is very dependent in the near-term on little bags of what look like milk that get emptied into my veins daily. And in some ways it adds my fluid to my already overly-fluid-ed system which is not comfortable, but it also keeps me alive.
I just keep hoping that our non-standard protocols for anti-cancer will cause the cancer to recede and the the bowel obstruction to open and I can get back to working the anti-cancer fight with the incredible tool of my digestive system intact. But it’s a race. It’s a race against time, and there are no guarantees.
One of the second or third opinions I’ve been seeking is a place my exercise physiologist Jo suggested, in Lafayette, called CyberKnife, which is basically non-invasive surgery through very specific radiation. We talked to the doctor and he didn’t sound too optimistic in my situation, but he’s willing to look at my records. So I’ve sent in paperwork for records sharing. We’ll see. I’d still guess it’s too spread and diffuse for him to be able to do anything about it.
I have also been reading Dr. Bruce Lipton’s The Biology of Belief and listening to meditations by Dr. Joe Dispenza about the reality that quantum physics makes the apparently miraculous more normal. There is a way to change physicality through approaching it from “above” for lack of a better term. I suppose I mean by that is mind over matter. What Dispenza calls it is being more energy than matter. And from there changes can be made to matter. Still learning…. One of the things I appreciate about his meditation is moving through layers of making said change, but the final step is simply to surrender to what is highest, and actually I have an okay time doing that, because honestly my own small-self-mind is not quite sure what is best for me: go on? fight to stay? Pros and cons to each, for sure. I woke up in the middle of the night the other night with this sense of someone else talking to me saying, “Yeah, but didn’t you want to get off the planet before all the chaos hits?” Because I do think chaos is coming, there’s coming down the pike a big change on Planet Earth, and it’s going to be pretty ugly before it settles into something much healthier and better. So there is that. Did I contract ahead of time, ahead of starting this life, to have a shortened life via whatever means necessary in order to avoid living through the mass chaos? I haven’t gotten a clear answer to that when asked directly to guides, etc., through a hypnotic regression or anything. Maybe I can still change my mind.
But like I said, this body is awfully close to the edge, and I might not be able to keep it from slipping.
I could just stop the TPN, sign up for real hospice, get totally gorked out on pain meds until the body fails. Or I could apply Colorado’s Medical Aid in Dying Act (MAID) and choose when to exit the body. All my ducks are in a row now regarding that possibility.
I had a phone consult today with Dr. West. She says my labs have me moving into cachexia, metabolic wasting, and that that could take me out real quick. The answer to that apparently, is MOVEMENT, as Grant is so fond of telling me. And not just walking around the block, but resistance exercise, to convince the body that movement is happening and necessary and don’t give up yet. So I need some stretchy resistance bands, if anyone local has some I could borrow, that might help extend my life a bit longer.
Dr. West is also incredibly frustrated by the options in this country, and so said, if she could have her way, she’d send me to Austria, or Turkey. But then there’s COVID-19 and travel restrictions, and being not very strong for traveling. And the money…. But Grant questioned, “Not Mexico? Not Canada?” And she said, “Well, there is one in Mexico you could consider and that would be closer: Sanoviv.” It’s just across the border from San Diego in Baja. So we’re going to see what they might have to offer and how much money it would cost and if it would at all be a possibility for me to go there. I might be upping my fundraising goal on my fundly site, if so, possibly considerably.
But she said keep up the exercise to keep my body strong enough to be able to travel there. Both Grant and I were surprised that primary take away from the naturopath today was movement. At this point. Really. It is good to have Grant in on the calls because he could tell her objectively that I’m still moving around quite well and supplely. Even though it doesn’t feel that way to me. I’m feeling quite limited and in pain. But today I think I’ve found the happy medium of just enough but not too many pain relievers so that I’m feeling okay and still have my mental capacities intact. I don’t like feeling like a groggy, numbed-out, log. As Grant says, “What’s the point of that kind of life?” Really.
So basically, what I guess I’m trying to say, is I’m trying to stick around, but the ground might fall out from underneath me at any moment, and I don’t want to leave this Earthly plane without saying thank you to all of you for your support and care during this process. Thank you to my dad for so much more than I can possibly say. Thank you to Kelley for being my bestie for lo’ these many years. Thank you to my dear Grant for his level of commitment and support through this, even though he’d had an intuition early on that he might be facing this with me, he chose to stay, not run. So many people have contributed in a variety of ways to make me feel connected and cared for while I’m on this journey.
I’ll try to continue writing, and if it gets to where I can’t, I’ll hand it over to Grant to continue. He has a nice way with writing, and you’ll get his perspective as well, which is different than mine, of course.
À la prochaine….