So it’s been awhile since I’ve written. And I just need to vent. I’m having a bit of existential angst.
Backstory: Saw my integrative oncologist ND Kirsten West as well as my integrative MD Jackie Fields this week. Results of lab work indicate some things need tweaking, most notably in diet and exercise, to optimize my wellness and keep my recurrence risk low. Restrict carbs and animal protein more. Exercise more. Doable. Not really that big of a deal.
One aspect to add in which I haven’t yet is intermittent fasting. So started that Friday. Not fun. Triggered a headache. The next day was a total waste due to lack of energy. Wondering about if there is another way to accomplish the same goals.
In any case, all of this has gotten one of my parts up. Per the title of the blog, Staying C-ful with the Big C, if you’ll recall, IFS Therapy postulates that Self (with a capital S) Leadership leads to the state of C-ful-ness: calm clear compassionate confident connected courageous creative curious.
Well, I’m not there at the moment. That means, in IFS parlance, that a part of me (that is not Self) is “driving my bus.” And it is important to hear parts out, let them vent, clear the air, see what can be done about it. All parts are welcome. All parts have a positive intention. And by listening and hearing, it will help the part and my whole system calm down and become more C-ful.
So that being said, this part that is up the last few days is in a nutshell having existential angst.
It is saying,
“What is the point of fighting so hard to stay alive from cancer when so much terrible stuff is happening on the planet and so many terrible people are running amok on the planet?”
“What is the point of staying alive from cancer if what it takes to do so is to stack a whole bunch of ‘shoulds’ on my proverbial plate, and restrict the things that are wonderful? Is life really worth living without pizza and chocolate? Eating delicious food is one of the things that makes life worth living and if I’m going to be reduced to salads at every meal, why are we [parts and Self] bothering??!!”
“Why am I $pending $o much money on all these out of pocket ‘$taying alive’ expenses when what I’d really rather do is $pend the money on going to France? What is the point of $taying alive if I’m so broke I can’t go to France?”
“Why are we [parts and Self] even on the planet? What difference does it make? Why bother? Just one more ant in the proverbial anthill overtaking and ruining the Earth (7.7 billion and growing.) Maybe it would be better to leave.”
To which other parts say, “And we [parts and Self] know, per Dolores Cannon, Brian Weiss, Linda Backman, Michael Newton, but most especially Cannon’s Three Waves of Volunteers, that the purpose of being on the planet at this moment in time is to help turn the tide and bring in a new era, to help humans to evolve.”
I’m right on the line between first and second wave, so not sure which I am, but it is, according to Dolores, very common for souls that have come to Earth in those waves to really not like being on Earth, to search hard for some purpose and to despair of it, to really want to go back to the other side, etc. Earth is a hard, hard place. A very difficult soul assignment. So I really resonate with that. There are times I’m not at all sure all the front-loading of helper souls is really going to be enough to turn things around on this oh-so-difficult and oh-so-beautiful and oh-so-tragic planet, although Dolores assures us it will be.
So the gist of it is that it feels like this part is really doing a cost-benefit analysis. The cost of staying alive, is it really worth it? Is it really worth the trouble that it takes to keep a body going? And if so, what makes it worth it? Bodies are simply vehicles for souls. Mine is apparently a little more temperamental than some others. It seems to need more tweaking and attention. Maybe it is a Fiat rather than a Toyota. (No disrespect to Fiat. My first car was a hand-me-down Fiat that was “born” the same year I was (thank you Dad) which I loved!, and I love the new little Fiat 500s, but face it, they’re not known for reliability in the same way that a Toyota is.)
And of course, there are people (of various species) attached and depending on me. Most notably my cat Sammy. I know that sounds weird, but he is SO attached to me and no one else, and has already experienced multiple abandonments. Somehow I feel like everyone else would be able to deal if I were no longer on the planet at this time and in this body. But he’s the one I’d hate to leave behind. He’s 12 now and healthy so could live a number of years yet, “Lord willin’ and the creek don’ rise.”
So, anyway. That’s where I am. Really tired. Tired of the fight that is going on in my head. Tired of the fight that is going on on Earth. Tired of the have-tos, and shoulds, and assignments, and let-me-be-of-service-to-something-greater-and-to-all-these-other-beings. I feel like I need a vacation from my Purpose. I need to go hang out in the recuperation area on the Other Side. I need an infusion of healing Golden Light. I need to stand under the Healing Waterfall. I need to rest. Maybe what I need is to schedule my own Between Lives Soul Regression with Dr. Backman or another practitioner in the area.
Maybe I need to take one day of restrictive-diet vacation and eat all the things I’m missing: pizza, pain au chocolat, ice cream.
And yet, maybe all that carb-i-ness is just poison to me now, so maybe not. But then again, why not?
I know I can’t be the only person on the planet feeling this way. I can’t be the only cancer patient / survivor / thriver feeling this way. Why bother?
Why should I bother?
“Accessing….” as Data would say on Star Trek Next Generation.
Eckhart Tolle would say something to the effect of Be Here Now. In this moment. There is no past and no future, they are imaginary. What is real is Now. Peace is found in the moment.
iChing would say something similar, Be Correct and Superior Now. Don’t give in to Inferior tendencies.
Jesus would say, Don’t worry about tomorrow for God takes care of all things…. See the Lily and the sparrow?… Etc.
Yet this part really wants to know, “What is the point?” It is not very satisfied with those answers.
The writer of Ecclesiastes wrote something to the effect of, “Meaningless, meaningless. All is meaningless. There is nothing new under the Sun.” Effectively, why bother? So I guess I’m in good company. Yes, just read the entire book, and yes, that is exactly how this part is feeling. Very good company, indeed.
Purpose with a capital P is one of the 9 things in Dr. Turner’s Radical Remission. Having a good strong reason for living is one of the things that keeps cancer at bay. I’m not feeling it at the moment. I have all this theoretical knowledge, but not feeling it.
So I guess that is one of my tasks, to figure it out. And no one else can really do that for me. No one else can really do that for anyone else.
So, no advice needed. No reassurance needed.
Maybe others can relate.
Seems like more than just diet and exercise need tweaking in my life.
Let the tweaking commence.
**** Continuation, later in the day:
I’ve been sitting with this part all day, and driving fast and listening to one of my old faves I haven’t listened to in awhile: U2’s No Line on the Horizon. First of all let me say that Bono is a prophet or an oracle or something. I’ve always thought so. He is such a vehicle for wisdom to come through. Unknown Caller spoke to me, as did I’ll Go Crazy if I Don’t Go Crazy Tonight. Also Breathe and Cedars of Lebanon. So anyway, it is good to hear echoes of my own thoughts from someone else, with a slightly different, and possibly better, perspective.
One of the things I’m being aware of is that maybe I really do need a vacation, an adventure. In Myers-Briggs parlance I’m an INFP, and that P part of me starts getting to really feeling like death-warmed-over with too much routine, structure, sameness. I’m a person that likes change. I like adventure. I like going places and seeing things. The SJs of the world are all about consistency, conventionality, and a whole bunch of other things that I as an NP am not. The world, at least the U.S.-ian world, rewards SJ a lot more than it rewards NP, but if I swim too long in the pool of SJ, I just want to let go and drown.
So maybe that means I need to actually make sure that the trip to Europe happens this fall, one way or another. And yet, even that, a two-week trip, doesn’t feel adventurous enough. So I’ll be thinking of what might fill that hole in my life.