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So, the time has arrived. Running out of funds.

I had short term disability insurance coverage through AFLAC that covered me for the first three months of not working. Then I have long term disability insurance through UnitedHealthCare. I was thinking/hoping/expecting that it would kick in immediately thereafter. However, the application process is long and they want to investigate whether this was a pre-existing condition as it doesn’t cover pre-existing conditions within the first year of having the policy. So who knows if and when that will kick in.

In the meantime, I’ve been spending out-of-pocket money on things not covered by medical insurance which is pretty much everything alternative and complementary, which I feel strongly are a big part of why I’m doing so well.

I am officially separated from my former employer now as I’ve run out of FMLA time. That means my health insurance is only paid up through the end of this month, and then the $700 or $800 premiums will be my responsibility through COBRA. God knows I need to keep that going, as chemo, if I decide to do more, is extremely pricey.

What’s more, in this political climate, with the GOPers chomping at the bit to kill off the “can’t deny coverage based on pre-existing conditions” part of the Affordable Care Act, if they succeed, and I let my current insurance lapse, I may never be able to get insurance again.

It’s a fact that in this “exceptional” US of A, the leading cause of bankruptcy is medical expenses. It does seem completely nonsensical that health insurance is tied to a job. If a person gets sick and can’t work then s/he can’t afford the premiums and the care s/he needs. I have been, before I got sick, and still am, a believer in single payer national, or at least state (let’s go Colorado!), healthcare that is not tied to employment. I had the brief pleasure of experiencing “socialized” medicine while living in France. It was high-quality and affordable, even for a foreigner. A small fraction of the cost it would have been here.

Grant is covering as much as possible now but neither of us has historically been big buyers-in to the capitalist system, aka we’re not rolling in it.

Not to mention that the current capitalist system has pretty much left the middle class in the dust.

I am not the only one in this situation, not by a long shot. There are certainly many people in far more dire situations. So first let me ask you to really consider how you will vote, both at the political polls, and also financially, which causes and companies you will support, or not.

And secondly, if you can “spare a dime” for me or someone else in a similar situation, I’m sure it would be gratefully received. Thinking again of the word solidarity.

I feel that for me, I can start looking at getting back to work soonish, depending on what I decide about doing further chemo or not. With further chemo it will be at minimum five weeks until I feel normalish, and up to 3 to 6 months until I really have my weight, muscle mass, and strength back, not to mention some hair.

I am feeling optimistic about my healing, *and* I’m also aware that some aspects of my life are going to have to change permanently in order to keep my body healthy. So I may choose not to go back to a stressful full-time job. Stress and fight/flight/freeze response on a routine basis is really unhealthy.

My preference would be to have a sufficiently large and consistent counseling private practice that would support me fully. So far that has eluded me. Just putting that out there for now. (Any marketing gurus out there?)

In any case, just venting a bit. Many of you have already helped or are continuing to help financially or in other ways. Thank you. Bless you.

I suspect that many of us are a lot closer to an uncomfortable edge than we’d like to admit.

What did I learn in a work training sometime in the last year? Something like half of all Americans have less than $500 in savings? Emergency fund is a credit card. Americans currently hold more money in Starbucks gift cards than in savings? Horrifying. How did it come to this, when the money is not trickling down, rather being siphoned up to the highest echelons? How long are we going to stand for this?

So I’m being aware that I have an angry and slightly bitter part “up” as we say in IFS Therapy. It’s pretty amazing how viscerally frightening financial situations are. So, underneath the bitter part is also a scared part. And I can do my work about being Self-Led and C-ful, which helps me calm down, get clearer, be more confident, courageous, and creative.

Things have a way of working out, sometimes in ways you’d least expect. And often these kinds of trials are all about soul growth. Heck, this experience might be my Dark Night of the Soul. Both Eckart Tolle and Jim Marion write of losing everything and spending their days sitting on park benches as part of their enlightenment process.

So whatever this is for me, it is. Que sera, sera.