Six months

Yesterday Denise told me I looked six months pregnant. Not ever having been six months pregnant I had to look it up, and yes, agreed. I don’t know what it would feel like to be six months pregnant but I suspect because the abnormal mass, i.e. baby, would be in the uterus, where it belongs, rather than stuck on the outside of the ovary, it might be a bit more comfortable.

Also, two nights in a row now, I’ve had back pain which has woken me up in the middle of the night and not resolved until about an hour after rising. I read up on it; it may be a result of inflammation. Might have a little of that going on.

And today I spent much of the day reading about half-way into Lissa Rankin’s newest book, The Fear Cure. As she discussed in her previous book, the state of being relaxed (rest and digest) is most healthy for the body. The state of being fearful (fight, flight, or freeze) is really quite physiologically unhealthy for the body, and most of the things our brains worry about are simply future imaginings that never come to be, but that incite that fearful, and fearfully unhealthy, state.

So that brings me back to Eckhart Tolle and The Power of Now. Right now, in this moment, because of the way I’m sit/lying my discomfort is only about 1.5/10 and everything else is good. So what’s the problem? The problem is my fear about the future. Which doesn’t actually exist yet.

So, I’ve done what I can do for now. And I wait.

Actually, that’s not entirely true. I have things I can do before surgery to make it more successful, that make my body stronger and more ready. I will be getting a nutrient IV boost, taking homeopathy, taking medicinal herbs for fixing bowel function (test results have come back and apparently there was something else entirely going on wrong with my intestinal flora (shouldn’t that be fauna?)), listening to guided visualizations regarding surgery and abnormal growths, getting Jin Shin, and probably something else I’m forgetting. Oh yes. Reading books on prepping for surgery. Reading articles about how to strengthen the body to best handle and deal with cancer on its own. And all of these are doctor or practitioner prescribed.

Also I have been, and intend to continue, doing IFS Therapy on myself, and hopefully with the facilitation of another IFS trained counselor, so that whatever is underneath this for my body-mind-soul, it can be addressed and released at the emotional-mental-psychological-spiritual level as well. I have some inklings of what that might be, and I’ve been around the block with IFS enough to know that what actually comes up can be very surprising.

And heck, if I have time, I might even schedule a regression with another hypnotist/counselor I know to see if there is something unresolved, or specifically purposeful in me facing this particular challenge at this particular time.

That being said, all of those things are future things, too.

Right Now, I am writing. And that is fine. I am fine. It is fine.

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